New Computer
I got my new computer on Monday, and let me tell you, I was pretty excited. I’d been using an old Fujitsu I got from my nephew, and the thing was starting to act up — “Fatal Exception Error,” “Invalid Page Fault,” that kind of nonsense. I needed a new machine if I was going to sell my knitting on eBay.
When I opened the box, I saw this new model was a little different. I guess I haven’t been paying much attention to these things. They’ve gotten really small over the years — this one was just the size of my thumbnail. And sort of brown and shriveled up — I wasn’t sure what to make of it. But the instructions said to soak it overnight in a glass of water, so that’s what I did.
In the morning, to my surprise, the computer had sprouted. Just a little baby shoot, the color of new grass. I put it by the window and left for my book club.
When I got back it had crawled all over the sink. It was thick as my little finger now, with little waxy leaves. I didn’t know how on earth this was going to help me get on eBay, so I cut it way back with my kitchen shears and I sat down to knit. But after that I didn’t have much energy. I couldn’t think straight and I kept having to rip out my knitting and start over. Finally I just went to bed, even though it was only 7 p.m.
The next morning the computer had grown back. It was all over the kitchen window with its curling vines. I thought I’d cut it back again when I finished my breakfast, but as I was pouring out the prune juice I felt a kind of buzzing energy all through me. I could do anything. I didn’t bother cutting back the computer; instead I sat down and just did a little arithmetic on the back of the water bill. Then I ran down to the bookstore and got Crime and Punishment. Read that sucker in one fell swoop. Boy was I on a roll. In the afternoon, when I was boning up on organic chemistry, the computer stretched one of its tendrils around my wrist. I didn’t bother to shake it off.
Nowadays I don’t leave the house much. The computer has these woody branches that keep me pretty well stuck to the couch. But I don’t mind — I just sit here and smell its lovely flowers and watch the birth and death of the universe.