You too could be at risk . . .
Recently I have been informed that laying eyes on an unattractive person, particularly if that person is scantily clad, is in fact physically dangerous. The eyeballs can be burned. The sexual organs can be rendered permanently ineffectual. In rare cases, death can result.
I’ve been so careless! I’ve gone through twenty-three years of my life without protective eyewear of any kind. Even in the most dangerous of places, such as the beach and the public pool, I have gone unprotected. How ironic that I wear sunscreen, take my vitamins, and get regular checkups, yet I neglect this most basic aspect of my personal safety.
Who showed me the light? My fellow man. Specifically,
my fellow Gawker commenters. One of them was apparently blinded by a glimpse of Rosie O’Donnell. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
Seriously, this ridiculous fear of accidentally seeing someone you don’t fancy is all over American culture — remember the scene from There’s Something About Mary when Matt Dillon saw (gasp!) a middle-aged woman’s breasts? If I had to guess, I’d say the impulse to gag and make jokes about burning eyeballs stems from need to reinforce a strict sexual order in which the old or overweight become untouchables, and those who poke fun at them get to feel a little boost in status. This kind of prudish mockery just reinforces the idea that the old or overweight have little value in our society. And that idea, given that our population is getting steadily older and bigger, helps nobody. My fellow commenters, I’m not asking you to change what you find attractive. I’m just asking you to grow up.