Today I found this message in my inbox:
the transmuter?
God, I can only hope the answer is yes.

And the prize goes to the New York Times for this one:
A Grab Bag of Postmodern Literary Devices Helps Shape Orhan Pamuk’s Career
You know, he just reaches into the bag, rummages around, and whips out . . . magical realism! Winning the Nobel is easy!

Don’t ask yourself why I was reading about Andre the Giant, Princess Bride actor and renowned WWF face. Instead, ask yourself how you have been getting along in life without this important piece of information:
When André was young, he could not fit on a normal school bus and had to be driven to school. As […]

Recently I have been informed that laying eyes on an unattractive person, particularly if that person is scantily clad, is in fact physically dangerous. The eyeballs can be burned. The sexual organs can be rendered permanently ineffectual. In rare cases, death can result.
I’ve been so careless! I’ve gone through twenty-three years of my life […]

Does it begin in the soul? The heart? The brain?
Nope. According to Dr. Natura, AdWords advertiser,

You should probably get a colostomy, just to be safe.

Today I received a message, which I have reproduced below, annotated for your edification.
Dear. Anna North
Good so far. Odd punctuation, but manages to use my full real name.
I was privileged to come across your contact through my personal search and Idecided that I should establish a communication with you.
A little dodgy, but still potentially legitimate. […]