In a truly groundbreaking piece of reporting, NYT’s Julia Moskin reveals today that you might be able to get some food at a supermarket. It may seem impossible, but if you follow Moskin’s instructions carefully, you can enter a supermarket and exit safely with some pickles, or spreadable boursin cheese. If you don’t mind dropping $8, you can even get a jar of spaghetti sauce.

If you want produce, frozen foods, or “ethnic” items [quotes Moskin’s], you’re out of luck. Including these mysterious categories would make the shopping expedition far too complicated. Similarly, don’t expect advice on jarred olives — this subtly flavored food of the kings simply should never be purchased in the lowly supermarket. Better off topping your pizza with crumbled-up Choco Leibniz cookies, or perhaps the unfortunately named B&M Baked Beans.

Seriously, though, the piece would make a certain amount of sense as a shopper’s guide to packaged foods. But it’s presented as a foray into the mysterious land of the supermarket, and it promises “a full day’s worth of irreproachably good food.” Now, if I sent someone to the supermarket and she came back saying, “We’re having $8 spaghetti sauce. I couldn’t find any pasta, but look — I got boursin!”, I might be inclined to think she was an alien. Which maybe is the explanation for this article.

Posted in next week: "Your Ass and Your Elbow: Which is Which?"

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