This post was invented by a cartoon character
I think Calvin, or maybe Garfield. Anyway, the real title is “my New Year’s resolutions for other people.”
1. The New Yorker resolves to not print so fucking close to the fold. People want to actually read this magazine, God damn it.
2. The US patent office resolves to stop being a tool of the many tiny little men who make up The Man.
3. Pharmacies across the country resolve to allow pharmacists to refuse to dispense Plan B, as long as they personally bring up all babies born as a result.
4. Victoria’s Secret resolves to send us only, like, one catalog per day instead of the current three. Seriously, I would not need that many underwear catalogs unless I were like a cat with six boobs.
5. The Maytag repair guy resolves to move in with us, since he basically lives here anyway, and offered to buy my boyfriend’s keyboard today, presumably with the money we have been paying him.
6. Beck resolves to quit fucking around with Scientology and come live with me, my boyfriend, and the Maytag guy.
7. While we’re at it, Madonna can also come live with us. We will need a bigger house, but Madonna can probably afford it because she is Madonna. She has to give up Kabbalah though.
These are not the last of my resolutions. More of them may appear occasionally and without warning, sort of like funny things in The Onion.